MacCreator article

Hardly have we heard about the upcoming Apple iWatch (the first article appears here, we recommend reading it first) before rumors appear about the future version 2.0 of the revolutionary technology.

Many observers are doubtful of Apple sources' claim that the battery of the iWatch will last for four to five years, and with good reason. Battery life has traditionally been a difficult spot in computing, impossible to increase as fast as processor speeds due to being rooted in chemistry rather than electronics. And as a matter of fact, the four to five years battery life is a goal rather than reality, and Apple has trouble getting battery life as high as even one year.

But to the rescue comes iWatch 2.0 technology sometime in the future. This titillating hardware invention is bordering on cyborg (man and machine in one) technology and is called Sub-dermal Blood Vessel Electricity-field Induction Transmission (SBVEIT, not the sexiest acronym of the decade).

In short, the underside of the watch/terminal, which remains in contact with the user's skin, has three small diodes which release harmless amounts of specialized ultrasound waves, which influence the white blood cells in the skin just under the terminal. About 3% of those are thus caused to split, amoebae-like, as blood cells sometimes can do even unprovoked. This causes an increase of the natural electric field of the human skin to levels where it actually keeps the iWatch charged in perpetuity! Talk about smart!

But this is not even the most revolutionary aspect of iWatch version 2. Apple has realized that the screen of such a small device is a very limited interface no matter what face you put on it, as it were. So there is an auditory interface as well, which is meant to be the primary interface. "So what," I can hear some of you say now, "my Mac already speaks to me". Yes, but this is not the revolutionary part. Imagine how speech and especially music would sound on a speaker as small as something sitting on the side of a watch. Not so much "tinny" as "tiny", no?

The cavalry comes in the form of another new development, done by Apple in cooperation with MIT's Human Interface Lab. It is called Sub-dermal Hyper String Invisible Information Transfer (SHSIIT, a racy acronym if we ever saw one), and it comes in the form of what looks like a very long band aid (only most likely in graphite rather than skin tone. (Sorry, not "skin tone", but "peach", to be "PC" about it)). This long adhesive strip has on its underside a super-thin naked platinum wire. So thin, in fact, that it is all but invisible.

What you do is that you put one end of the wire/band aid, the end with the little node on it, in your ear before bed time, and attach the "band aid" to your skin all the way from your ear to the area of your arm were you plan to wear your iWatch. The low-end position is not critical, it basically just have to reach under the watch to work. Then you go to bed, and when you wake up, you peel the "band aid" off. Minus the tiny wire, that is. This is now embedded just one and a half millimeter under your skin, and provides a perfect conduit from the watch to your ear, where the little node acts as a speaker! (Note: Apple cautions that one should not try to remove the node by oneself, it must be done by a qualified medical doctor. The wire simply cannot be removed, but it will disappear by itself "within thirty or forty years".)

I think we can all agree that Dick Tracy should just hand in his running shoes, and that Apple will continue to be the technological leader well into the twenty first century!

Disclaimer: This article is not factual but a work of satire. To the best of our knowledge, technologies described here are not possible, at least not in the near future.